We Are Too Hard On Ourselves

Who hasn’t been afraid we make a fool of ourselves in public. Sure the people we talked with were bored or think we are foolish. (foolish and human here)

We analyze and criticize every mistake we make during the day. If you play sports, you replay the bad plays instead of your highlights.

Do you remember the nice things you said on social media? No you remember the criticisms or insults.

Time published “People Like You More Than You Think” about published research in Psychological Science. We underestimate how much the other person likes us. Everyone does this, especially if we are shy.

The tendency is to substitute our feelings about we said because we can’t know what the other person thinks. We assume they think (like us) that we made a bad first impression. That is not true, and people will give us several chances in future meeting.

The penalty for being so negative is anxiety, sadness and even depression. We may avoid social encounters that could be enjoyable being hard on ourselves.

The secret is listening to other people, asking questions about them, and be present in the moment. When we focus on others, it quiets the critical voice in our mind. Find most people are good and kind. Go enjoy your day.

http://time.com/5396598/good-first-impression/

Would You Want Your Life Judged on Being a Teenager?

First of all I believe Christine Blasey Ford was involved in an incident. The Me Too movement and too many women I love and respect shows our culture allowed it.

Being a teenager was a time where we are growing, being awkward, learning and making mistakes. Said the wrong thing, kissed the wrong people, and did things we regret later. Know would not want to be judged solely on any one of my mistakes. Especially the ones that show up in my nightmares.

But I am 61 and comfortable in my skin. Have worked hard, paid taxes, mentored people, volunteered and enjoyed life. Know am a good man. The mistakes I made I learned from. This is how good judgment is formed.

Christine Blasey Ford has created a tremendous career, family and community service. Judge Brett Kavanaugh has created a a tremendous career, family and community service. They are both in their 50s. Neither should be judged from one incident without looking at their overall lives.

Unrealistic Expectations

“I want that woman’s life. 

            Whose life is that?

The one in my social media.” 

- Between Friends comic

Don’t create perfection expectations on yourself. We all say the wrong thing. Drop food we are cooking. Make investment mistakes. Lose things. Oversleep in the morning. 

A study shows American, Canadian & British college students are suffering from “multidimensional perfectionism”, setting unrealistically high expectations and being hurt when they fall short. Today’s students aren’t the first to fall short.

Didn’t you dream of being a millionaire? Being famous. Getting that promotion. Having your own business? Marrying the perfect spouse? Perfect kids?

Last I checked kids are kids. We get sick now and then. Companies have layoffs. And we fail. More often than I care to admit.

Give yourself credit for making mistakes. It is how we learn. Besides you are excluding all the things you have done right. Think of the people you helped. We are proud of you.

How to Handle Bullies

School starting reminds me of what I learned in 8^thgrade, how to handle bullies. Afraid it was common then and still common today. 2 incidences formed my reaction when encountering these behaviors.

End of 7^thgrade was only 5’1”, 80 pounds and among the youngest in class. My growth spurt started and grew 3 inches over the summer. (Total 9 inches in 1.5 years) 

Start of class walked up to a group of boys. One said, “Amos is here.” The shortest guy in the group said, “Let’s pick on him” and turned around. First he looked down where I was before summer, and then looked up to where I now stood over him. He walked away embarrassed while we all laughed. 

Dawned on me bullies only want an easy target. They don’t want you to fight back. Resolved to never be an easy victim, even though quiet and shy.

Few days later that resolve was tested. Walking down the hall carrying books a younger boy my size slammed my shoulder spinning me. Reached behind me and caught my books before they fell, then looked at him and his friend walking away. “He did that on purpose.” I was mad.

Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedules were different than Tuesday-Thursday, so it was next Tuesday before he and his friend were coming down the hallway. Switched my books to my right hand and pretended to be distracted looking away. An ideal looking target. When he was inches away paused my walk and kept both feet on ground with back leg bracing me. He stepped into my path and swung his shoulder, only to bounce off backwards off my shoulder. This time he spun around and looked at me walking calmly away.

A few days later saw him and his friend again. This time he saw me looking directly at him. Even walked into the middle of the hallway forcing him to walk around me. Never saw him or his friend again, suspect they picked different hallways.

The lesson is bullies don’t respond to normal give and take. Try to placate them, they will take more advantage of you. You have to find a strategy to throw them off. I interrupted their challenges with jokes. Offered to fight which they really didn’t want. They wanted easy. I wasn’t. Stand up for myself and others. Bullies may surprise me first time, but they get notice next time they try.

If you are experiencing a bully, read Sam Horn’s “Take the Bully by the Horns”. She dives deep into the psyche and has strategies to neutralize bullies. 1-3% of people have psychopathic traits or behaviors. It is a good skill to have. 

You are worth standing up for.

Labor Day Thoughts

The late Sen. John McCain never forgot the soldier or average person in his career. Let us not forget our neighbors working in factories, warehouses, retail and services. 40% of working people do not make enough to live comfortably. They struggle to pay rent, groceries, healthcare or utilities. Any unexpected expenses or hardship derails being able to pay bills. Even though unemployment is down, food insecurity is on the rise.

Why? Middle-wage workers’ hourly wage is only up 6% since 1979. Low-wage workers’ wages are down 5%.  Outsourcing, the rise of a global workforce, and shrinking unionization has weakened the power to ask for raises. 

Education, housing and medical care have all gone way up. Fewer jobs offer stable hours or health insurance creating no safety net. Imagine you are on disability raising a teenager like my childhood friend.  My sister, trying to get disability for 3 years, lives on half of what he makes.  Hard to make your money last till the end of the month on so little.

All governments are in too much debt now to be able to do more. They need businesses growing their economy. Inflation needs to continue to rise, so governments get out of their overspending and over promising. However inflation hurts people on fixed income.  There are no easy ‘tax the rich’ solutions. Hard choices have to be made to cut spending and raise taxes.

Middle-wage workers may save some, but mostly rely on Social Security to retire.  Low-wage workers are completely dependent on Social Security. Yet healthcare costs are taking more every year, and your spouse being ill or dying can bankrupt you.

Was taught there are no unimportant jobs growing up. Everything has to be done by someone to contribute to success. Everyone is important. 

What can we do to care for family, friends and neighbors? $15 per hour minimum wages? Health care for all? Guaranteed work for all? Mental health treatment for all? We need ideas and we need action. Take some time this weekend to think how we can help.