In honor of Charles
Recovering from cross-country trip for a funeral. It is
wonderful to see family, even for a sad occasion. Do not travel as well as a
few decades ago. Jet lag, plus a headache that has not gone away for 2+ days. Fortunately
today responding to aspirin (wasn’t before).
The parents I went to see lost a newborn. The worse because
we all start with such hope for the future. Suddenly there is a problem with
development. Medical science offers an option. Then nature says no. Losing a
child is just devastating. No one to blame.
My nephew’s father-in-law lost his mom this week. This is
easier because more expectation at her age and health. Lost dad about 2 years
ago now, and miss him. My stepmom is still devastated he is gone. Mom when to
the Lord 16 years ago suddenly, and still there are days she is really missed.
Always hard to lose parents.
My wife has been expecting her mother to recover from old
age and dementia for years now. Only recently since her last trip has she
started to face facts. Been afraid she was setting herself up for a hard time.
My good friend Bob is grieving his loss of health to cancer
8 years ago. Bladder surgery saved his life, but he has been reduced from
healthy worker to disabled residential care patient in constant pain. Not a
life any of us expect. He went from highly respected professional employee to
depending on aid. He misses his old life. You would too.
Have had to move between companies and several states to
keep working in my field. You grieve for the loss of friends and coworkers who
you depended on. You are often lost until you get to build social networks in
your new life. But we miss the old comforts of your old life.
We all have or will experience grief. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s
5 stages of grief are well known - Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and
Acceptance. Grief is a process, not an event to recover from.
My experience is you have to be kind to yourself or the
grieving person. Let yourself/them grieve, remember and talk about it. Nobody
does grief the same way.
Be patient. This is measured in months or years. Grief does
not resolve itself quickly. Too many push for normalcy now. We are uncomfortable. But we/they are not
over it. The process takes time. My stepmom is finally showing signs of being
herself after 2 years, and she is not done yet.
Don’t isolate yourself. Isolation leads to being stuck in
the process, self-medication and other unhelpful behavior. Find others who have
been through similar experiences. Charles parents should find Bereaved Parents
of the USA, a church grief group, or a grief group through the local hospitals
or YMCA/YWCA. No one should be alone during this time.
If you are upset, yell at God. He is big enough to take it.
Better than taking it out on people around you. And being upset is part of the
process.
Not an expert at grief. At a funeral of a father with young
children, an 18 year old friend was crying while we tried to talk. She tried to
apologize. Told her it was okay to cry. I did not feel any better than she did.
I just had more practice being older.
Fortunately there are angels among us who show their love.
In every event see friends, neighbors and coworkers bring food, company and
support. Impressed by the volunteers at church for receptions. Thank them so
much.
Give the last word to Charles father. He spoke “How he had
never know such love as when Charles was born.” It is up to us to give love to
the grieving, or experience love in healing.
"The key to emotional health is to learn how to handle
grief. The person who reacts to sorrow only with anger becomes embittered,
hardened, and cynical." - Nido Qubein, President High Point University,
Author
Charles parents have requested donations to Children's
Hospital of Philadelphia. Will include a link if anyone would like to join me.
Children's Hospital of Philadelphia
Bereaved Parents of the USA
5 Stages of Grief and other resources
